It’s not easy. The emotional roller coaster has caused many, many sleepless nights. So many changes in every aspect of daily life. Finances were dramatically changed. Security in many areas of life are gone. I still didn’t realize the depths of my fears until one night of no sleep.
Tired of tossing and turning, I got up, got dressed and went to what seemed to be my only social outing, Walmart. By the time I finished packing my groceries into the car it was 7:00 am. I loaded groceries into my car when a man says “ma’am you have a flat tire.” A flat? I just loaded the trunk with groceries and I don’t know how to change a flat. The man told me to try and get some air in it at a gas station thump, thump, thump down the road I went. Not holding any air, I thumped my way to the tire shop. They opened at 9:00. I had no choice but to sit and wait. What a gift that was. I began to cry and it was as if the dam broke. I couldn’t stop. All the built up emotions were being released. I cried and cried and cried. 9:00am, the store opens and I still can’t stop crying. 45 minutes getting a new tire I spend by the side of the building uncontrollably sobbing. That’s when I realize I am in control of everything. And I can do this.
This works for me
1. Live in the moment. We only have this moment and we decide how we feel in it. We’ve already learned life changes. We can’t predict the future and we can’t travel back in time and change things. It is what it is, in this moment.
2. Find what makes you feel good and do it. I like to paint. I like to sew. I like to play music when I clean house. The point is take control of each moment you can doing what makes you feel good.
3. Keep a list of goals you would like to achieve and those you have accomplished. Creating realistic goals your focus shifts. Keeping a list of accomplishments can add momentum. I had to find hope and happiness somewhere and even small accomplishments lifted my spirits.
4. If you can’t, you can’t. Accept it without beating yourself up. There are days that I just can’t find my mojo. I don’t even want to get out of bed. And that’s ok. Our minds are ever changing and in an hour, a day or maybe 3 days from now I will feel differently. But for now, this moment, this is how I feel.
5. Find a support group and pick a few connects. I immediately went to MSA-A Caregivers Journey on Facebook. The postings terrified me. But they were such a help when I was engulfed in fears. I couldn’t follow often. Too much information was given than I was ready for. I found a few that I could chat with and we would get each other through our rough times. Then we became friends, following posts about family, motivational quotes and private messaging. The key that I had learned through my own illness is cancer, my husbands illness, whatever is going on, is not my identity. It was a situation, not who I was.
6. Don’t take on responsibilities that are not yours. George has had many days of depression. Understandable. He has to work through his feelings. I can’t change his mind. That’s his job. I can offer support, love and compassion but he must deal with his feelings.
I am not an expert. I am speaking through my own experience. For me, this has been a journey back to my own identity. I am much more capable than I ever knew. I am stronger than I ever knew. I am finding myself.
My path through caregiving 
Thank you for articulating the emotions that we go through as caregivers. I admire your courage in recovering from cancer and then having to face your husbands diagnosis. I struggle with number 6: taking on my husbands depression and anxiety and trying to fix it for him. It feels like a huge burden and I need to accept that it is His depression and stop obsessively researching treatments. Yes, living in the moment and accepting the new reality brings peace even for a little bit.
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This whole process is difficult. Mainly, I believe, because of our deep, unconscious belief that nothing changes. We don’t want to see our loved one slowly succumb to the inevitable but this is where we are. My goal is to learn about me. I am the one that will be left to start again. I have to begin at the core, like my dream, the very foundation that I have built my identity on for almost 34 yrs. I believe this is the hidden gift.
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I must add that it is very difficult to not accept responsibility that is not yours. I know that sadness of a loved ones depression. We are trained in childhood to make others happy. Of course when our child skinned his knees we made him better. Learning from my illness twice in my life, there wasn’t anything anyone could do to fix my emotions. I had to go through it myself. They certainly supported me the best they could which I give such praise and appreciation for. But only I could go through and come to terms with a potentially fatal disease with all of its meaning to me.
We will carry on with as much as we can, be kind to ourselves and face our own feelings in order to be in a position to be a good caregiver. We can do a lot of things, we learn, but we can’t change anyone else’s mind. That’s their job.
Much love
Michelle Cureton
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