It gets flat out lonely and monotonous being a caregiver, at least for me. George is fairly functional, but capable of falling just getting out of bed. His speech is weak and at times can choke on water. I find leaving him alone for long, just is not worth the anxiety. I find myself tearing through stores and errands out of the house like a wild woman on her 18th cup of coffee.
Then, when I’m back home, it’s days and days before I need to go anywhere or anyone comes by. Which certainly makes for long days sometimes. I could find so much to do around the house, God knows the projects I ponder and could accomplish if I felt motivated. Feeling a bit isolated in the country, other busy schedules, family living at least 80 plus miles away, seems to put a damper on motivation. I am a people person. I get my biggest ideas from being around others.
But, this is how it is now. The only way to keep from the funk of a spiral down into depression is a change of mind. That’s where writing helps me. I used to write about things that are bothering me. And I still do, but not as much as I used to. When I write about my angst now, it is for the purpose of finding the positive in the situation.
More of my writings now are about good things I feel. I’ve changed my mind. I want to express my appreciation and gratitude for as many things as I can. Even if it’s that the sun came out for a few minutes.
It seems as a caregiver we are always solving problems for our loved ones or the house, finances, on and on and on. My lastest delimma is where the dead mouse is in my duct work. I finally just poured a lot of vinegar in the vents. Last night I used flashlights strategically placed in the vents and a mirror. No luck. My change of mind about how I have to do everything, no one can help me, I’m all alone, blah, blah, blah became about getting a good workout, without having to get out in the freezing temps and numbing wind, by going from vent to vent, about the clever idea of placing flashlights in several and using a mirror to see through the lines as much as could be seen. I appreciate googling neutralizing oders with vinegar and pouring a lot in every vent.
I appreciate painting pictures, even though they aren’t great. I appreciate watching Netflix with George.
It does me know good to think about a situation that I can’t control, don’t want to be in and certainly don’t want George to me in. I’m not great at it, but I do my best to change my mind by changing the focus of my thoughts. By NO means do I deny my feelings. This is a difficult time and feelings need to be acknowledge. We are not superheroes. Identifying the feelings, accepting that that is how you feel is great. Otherwise, you’d just be denying and not honest with yourself. Be honest, identify the feelings and as quickly as possible find the positive hidden within.